An Accusation Is Not an Identity: Trying to Understand the Claim Behind Suicidal Distress.

There is a difficult question at the heart of the continuing arguments that take place on social media: why would being called something you know you are not make you want to end your life?

I ask that question because I have experienced something similar myself. For years, I have been called a paedophile by people on YouTube. I reject the allegation completely. I know who I am, I know what I have done and, most importantly, I know what I have not done. Being called something does not magically transform me into that thing.

If somebody repeatedly shouted that I was an astronaut, I would not suddenly become an astronaut. If somebody called me a murderer, I would not become a murderer. And if somebody falsely called me a paedophile, I would not become one simply because they repeated the accusation a thousand times.

That is the way I personally process such accusations: the allegation belongs to the person making it; my identity belongs to me. But perhaps that is precisely where the difficulty lies.

Not everyone possesses the same emotional resilience, circumstances, support network or psychological relationship with shame and public humiliation. What one person can shrug off may be devastating to another.

Samaritans explains that suicidal thoughts can arise when problems become overwhelming and a person feels unable to see another way out. It also identifies hopelessness as an important warning sign.

Consequently, if somebody says that being labelled a paedophile has contributed to suicidal thoughts, I do not think it is intellectually responsible simply to conclude: “That's impossible. If you're innocent, you wouldn't care.”

People are more complicated than that.

A person might be frightened about what other people think of them. They might fear losing relationships, employment, friendships or their reputation. They might already be struggling with loneliness, depression, financial difficulties, relationship problems, legal problems or other circumstances completely unrelated to the accusation. The accusation may then become the final psychological burden placed upon an already overloaded person.

Samaritans specifically identifies circumstances such as financial or legal problems, relationship breakdown, weak social networks, difficulty solving problems and overwhelming feelings of shame or failure among factors associated with suicide risk.

Therefore, an accusation does not necessarily have to be true to cause emotional damage.

That is an important distinction.

 can know internally that an allegation is false while simultaneously being devastated that other people believe it.

Imagine being repeatedly told that the entire community thinks you are something you know you are not. Eventually, the issue may cease to be about whether the allegation is true. It can become about humiliation, isolation, fear and the feeling that there is no escape from the public narrative.

That could potentially explain why somebody might experience suicidal distress without the allegation itself being true. But there is another question that should also be asked.

Is the accusation genuinely the cause of the suicidal thinking, or is it one component of a much larger situation?

We simply cannot know from a YouTube video or social-media post.

It would be dangerous to assume that a person's entire psychological state can be explained by one argument occurring online. There may be a much longer history behind what is being said—personal difficulties, relationships, mental-health struggles, isolation, financial pressures, previous experiences, fear of consequences or other problems that the public knows nothing about.

There could also be a difference between “This accusation has made my life unbearable” and “This accusation is the sole reason I am suicidal.” Those are very different statements.

And that is why I believe caution is needed when discussing suicide publicly.

My own experience does not prove that another person's experience must be identical to mine. I have been called a paedophile repeatedly, and I do not feel suicidal because I know the allegation does not define me. I have developed my own way of separating an accusation from my identity.

But that does not mean everybody has the same psychological armour.

At the same time, somebody saying that an accusation has contributed to suicidal thoughts does not automatically prove that the accusation is false, true, justified or responsible for their mental state. The existence of suicidal distress is not evidence establishing the underlying allegation either way.

Those are separate questions. One concerns mental health. The other concerns facts. They should not be confused.

There is also a serious moral issue surrounding the casual use of words such as "paedophile" as weapons in online disputes. Such an accusation is extraordinarily serious. It can destroy reputations, relationships and livelihoods. Consequently, allegations of that nature should be based upon evidence rather than simply being used as insults.

And if someone genuinely says they are suicidal, that should be taken seriously regardless of what either side thinks about the underlying dispute. Samaritans explicitly advises taking expressions of suicidal thoughts seriously rather than attempting to determine whether the person is "really" suicidal.

That does not mean abandoning one's right to defend oneself against allegations. It means separating compassion from agreement.

I can say, “I am sorry that you are experiencing suicidal thoughts and I hope you get appropriate help,” without saying, “Therefore your allegations against me are true.”

Likewise, I can say, “I reject your allegation completely,” without saying, “Therefore your suicidal feelings must be fake.”

Both positions can exist simultaneously. Perhaps that is the real lesson here.

When somebody says that being called something they are not has driven them towards suicide, the appropriate response is not necessarily to assume that they are lying, manipulating people or telling the complete story. Nor should we automatically assume that the accusation itself explains everything. Instead, we should ask a much more important question:

What else is going on?

Because the answer may reveal that the accusation is only one part of a much larger emotional crisis.

My experience has taught me that an accusation does not determine who I am. I can be called something repeatedly without becoming that thing. But my resilience is not necessarily somebody else's resilience.

Ultimately, a word shouted at somebody cannot determine their identity—but the emotional circumstances surrounding that word can still have profound consequences.

That is why allegations should be made responsibly, evidence should matter, and expressions of suicidal distress should never be treated casually.

• You can challenge an allegation.
• You can defend your reputation.
• You can dispute somebody else's version of events.

And you can still recognise that the human being on the other side of the argument may be experiencing genuine psychological pain.

Those things are not mutually exclusive. And perhaps the most important point of all is this:

Being accused of something does not make the accusation true. Being distressed by an accusation does not make it true either. And somebody's suicidal thoughts cannot, by themselves, tell us what the truth of the underlying dispute actually is.

If the person is currently saying they intend to harm themselves or are in immediate danger, that should be treated as an emergency rather than debated on YouTube. Samaritans advises taking suicidal statements seriously; in the UK, Samaritans can be contacted free on 116 123, day or night.